Ladies and gentlemen, these are going to be the most ridiculous tips you have ever seen on this platform globally. This is how you should maximize your presence on LinkedIn.
*The entire piece is a joke, so please believe it at your risk.*
1. Inspire others when you yourself feel like shit
Please understand that your life doesn’t matter. That of other people who are on LinkedIn does. Please inspire them by saying things which sound too philosophical for you, yourself to understand, so that they feel you said something intelligent.
Remember, if you can’t inspire people, confuse them.
2. Tag Influencers
Just do it! Once you have done it, go to the Church and pray to Jesus that they have seen it, and they may want to take an iota of interest in your sorry life and respond to it.
3. This is a professional network
Since LinkedIn is a professional network, please understand you can’t post orgies, baby pictures, politics, Hollywood/Bollywood news, cleavage of any sort, show off about your life, anything that’s remotely interesting.
Just be strictly professional and boring.
4. LinkedIn is not a dating site
What do you mean you want to find your girlfriend on LinkedIn? Are you stupid? Only girls can express interest in men on LinkedIn and not vice versa. However, if you are looking for extra-marital relationships, then please try LinkedIn.
5. If you are looking for a job, please go elsewhere
Since this is a professional network, you would be stupid to expect a job here. Just be here, and inspire people to be their best every day, somehow. Do it in a selfless altruistic manner, like a monk, you know, Jay Shetty.
6. Do not be yourself
Just copy other people’s posts and paste them as your own. They will love you for it.
7. Use jargon
Use as much jargon as possible to write your posts so that nobody can decipher it. See, I could have used understand instead of decipher but I wanted to throw this word at you.
8. Click on people’s profile and leave
This will make them feel important that somebody ‘viewed’ their profile. This is an important feature of LinkedIn. There is a severe lack of self-esteem and people viewing each other’s profile is a mutual source.
9. Do not say LOL
Go to point number 3. It is a professional network. Professional people do not laugh. They just look at each other, make important sounding comments and go home. Just look around your offices. Do you see any robots? That’s what professionalism looks like. Do not laugh!
10. Follow the writer of this nonsense post
The writer of this useless post is a stand-up comedian who was bored of his day and had this idea to write this article, so that other people do not have as boring a day.
Did the article make you laugh? Tell me in the comment section. SHARE it with your network if this might get them a laugh too.
Thank you for reading. Please clap if you liked it. Clap Clap don’t slap!
Post Script: Do not forget to check out my other pieces. I am writer and stand-up comedian. This is my YouTube channel. Please check it out and get in touch for comedy gigs/writing articles, or movies or books, or copy, whatever! I love writing and the stage, as long as the subject interests me.