The hopefully hilarious case against suicide

Credit: Pexels

Good morning. Oh, fuck the morning.

In case you woke up this morning feeling like ending your life because your job/relationships/passion/start-up is sucking life out of you, please read on before you try committing suicide.

I am an author and stand-up comedian, but we will skip the introduction.

Let’s talk about suicides, before we attempt one.

If you succeed in suicid-ing, there will be people who will crop up after you are gone that you didn’t seek help from them. So, please ensure that you have exhausted all options at seeking help. All options will never be exhausted. New options are born every day.

Now, considering that you have made up your mind that your life isn’t worth it, and you want to go ahead with suicid-ing, let’s see what options you may have:

  1. Lal Dupatta (red colour fizzy piece of cloth)

If you live in India, your mom may have this piece of cloth with which she may have sung this Bollywood song with your father-

lal dupatta udd gaya re mera hawa ke jhoke se

mujhko piya ne dekh liye haye re dkhoke se

Now, if you use his cloth, her memories of this song will go away forever. Also, you when you try and tie the cloth to the fan, considering your state of mind, the fan may fall.

If the fan falls, the plan will go haywire, and you will have a lot of explaining to do when your folks come back home.

2. Pesticides

I am told a lot of people consume pesticides to try and commit suicide.

Please understand that pesticides don’t taste particularly well, and if it doesn’t do the job you expect it to do, then you will end up with terrible taste buds for the rest of your life.

3. Jumping in a river

It’s quite cold in Delhi, and there are no rivers in or around Delhi, unless you decide to travel to a hill station like Nainital or a beach place like Goa to jump. If you commit suicide in Goa, you will scar the place for a lot of people who go to have sex on the beach there.

Now, I almost drowned once in Manali and still can’t swim. When the water goes inside your nose, you feel like puking but you can’t puke because there is water everywhere in your mouth too.

The founder of Cafe Coffee day used this particular method for committing suicide but I don’t particularly recommend it, because it’s not quite nice to go in a state of a wet body.

4. Jumping from a high rise

Now, if you have vertigo, there are issues here. I am scared of high rises too and just looking down is scary. If you have ever been to Qutub Minar in Delhi or any other place in your country where is a high rise, just think of it, and consider against it.

Also, consider sky diving before you attempt this option. Paragliding will do too, of the mai madarchod hun jo isme aya (non-Indians, please google that phrase) fame.

5. Suicidal Innovation

You may die as an innovator by using a novel way of committing suicide like eating a lingerie or a few, so that people at least remember you for doing something novel on your way out, but innovation is mired in risks, and in case the lingerie gets stuffed inside your belly, it will be the first ever case of a person wearing lingerie in their kidneys.

Worse, they will go bad, only you will not be in the equation.

For example, if you are considering suicide because your partner cheated on you, they will carry on with their love life because they suck, and you will die thinking you made them feel guilty, when they don’t give (about you) a fuck. That rhymes.

It’s stupid. May be consider breaking up, and being solo for a while, or forever.

If your job isn’t going anywhere, try finding another, instead of killing yourself because you may find one in a year or two or three, but if you are gone, there isn’t anybody to take up the opportunity that may come, and your horrible acquaintance may take it up, and you may curl in your grave.

Keep going my friend, keep going. Even if you don’t see the solution now, if you keep trying, something might emerge.

Credit: Pexels

Thank you for reading. If you liked the piece, please clap, and share with your friends, who may be struggling with life.

It may bring them a smile :) and my 2 hours of writing this may prove useful.

Thank you.



P.S. Get in touch with me if you need long form pieces like this or any writing pieces. I am good, and writing does keep me alive.

Author, Stand Up Comedian. Trying to make people happier, one post, one show a time.